My Art Update

I'm finding this surprisingly hard to finish the piece for the exhibition. The bit on the bottom right hand corner has been a real challenge. I want to have an overlay that blocks out some of the images but it was made more difficult because I am inexperienced with pastels and didn't realise that anything I put on top of them slides around due to the oil in them. So I had to use ink and it still slides. That's the technical challenge. The emotional challenge is what is causing the angst. I found it difficult to drop the red ink on to the figure and there was a bid pool of red ink around the heart area that I thought was way too big. Then I tried to move it and the red ink bleed right up to where my symbols of Angels at the top were. I'm putting the unconcieved children on the left hand side boxes and that was hard as well. Id like to put their names there too. There is alot time in between waiting for things to dry. So in a way the fluidity is working the way it should. That I have to wait and it gives me time to process stuff, and make use of the marks that have been placed there unintentionally.

In The Pink

Ive not written about my strife over the past 3 months at work until now because its been too painful. However, I feel I am turning the corner and some of my self esteem has returned. So here goes...... In March I was put into a role that I didn't really want (but felt I had no choice) and had no skill or knowledge in that part of the system I was to work with, also with no training or support. My direct supervisor didn't like me and was never available to me as she was always too busy and left me out of the loop. Basically it was their bad management of the situation that exacerbated my (at that point undiagnosed) Dyslexia. I've always known something was wrong and by reading, identified it as Dyslexia. After 25 years in the workforce I developed a checking system for myself that has allowed me to work in Finance for most of those years with out really being able to see 3s 5s and 8s as being different numbers, the first time I look at them. I knew if I was out by 5 it was a stuff up between the 8 and 3, and so on. So when I had my first tune up the Section Head she asked me was it true that I was Dyslexic because shed heard that I had told someone I was. I said I thought I was but its never been diagnosed or a problem before. So basically what they come up with was I was to go "offline" and teach myself the job from the ground up by reading (yes reading) a manual. Well after about 2 months they decided I was struggling but didn't actually say it. I felt I was getting a handle on it. So the Section Head offered me a Voluntary Redundancy and told me not to tell anyone else that she had done that. Turns out the Branch Manager was unaware of the whole situation and he was the one who would have to approve it. Well I was fractured and to tell the truth, was thinking whats the point of living. I'm useless. I rang a few people who know how I work and told them what was going on. They were really angry and amongst other words said "Who are these idiots?" They were really supportive, and for this I give thanks. When I refused the VR, the Section Head then went and tried to performance manage me out of the public service. I was never told this by the Section Head, but through the case worker who had been assigned to me to deal with my "Intellectual Disability". Once disabilities got involved things began to improve but before that I already had applied for a job at a higher level and eventually won it. And I really enjoy it. I'm not sure if I will stay there but its a good change and the people are nice.

The good thing is that Ive had two assessments for different types of Dyslexia and yes, I am severely Dyslexic with a form that they have not seen before and also I'm affected by glare (another type) So work are going to pay for my remedial treatments and also my new pink glasses and take out the fluorescent lights above my desk. No wonder I always pull out fluros and replace with globes. Amazingly the pink overlays the guy left me and changing the colour of the computer screen worked immediately and I don't struggle so much to read. I never knew how much energy I spent trying to read and write until the assessments. After each one my nose and eyes start to run and then I couldn't stop yawning and have to go home and have a two hour sleep. When I wake up I'm still exhausted for the rest of the day.

Ive learned so much out of this whole thing about myself and others

• There is always a choice


• Don't assume people in managerial roles have the skill to manage or know how to plan or ask for help if they don't know something


• Don't laugh (under any circumstances) when your boss tells you off - it makes them really red and shout. My imagination runs wild is situations like this.


• That we all have gifts that can be used to the benefit of other people


• That my concept of what is difficult is skewed by thinking hard things are normal. Like when I got dumped off the St Cecilia's Choir for not being able to read music


• That I have a great network of supportive people who would bend over backwards for me


• Who really likes me and who just put up with me because the Section Head (at the start) liked me


• That I think in pictures


• That I am resilient


• That God is amongst all this somewhere and wants me to learn something before I die


• That pink rocks!!


• Spell check is a wonderful invention


• There are alot of Dyslexic people out there that don't know they have it


• Navgirl is my role model


• My depth perception is not the same as other peoples. (hence the screaming of certain passengers in my car before I apply the brakes in some situations) Please note: I have NEVER had an accident yet in 37 years of driving.


• That you can get by without ever knowing where north is


• That left and right are over rated


• That sequencing is best left to others

• Work is essential for my mental health


• That where theres a Will, I will find my way. (Will as in my cobber, Mr Tse)

The assessors say that I will notice the increase in energy once I have completed all the remedial work. My next thought was - does that mean Ill be A.D.D. and need to be medicated so I can do my job?

This photo was chosen not only for the lovely pinks but the light shining through that heightened the texture and esoteric feel.

Freds Gone Home

Dear Fred,

I so admired your peaceful way of accepting the truth. You gave me courage just watching you every Thursday night, regardless of pain, you turned up to meditate with us. I now write what people really mean to me and they so love it. Every time I sit down to do that I think of you.

May the angels be close to you.

Fr Brendan Murphy

This blokes a legend. He baptised me in 1997 and we are still in touch. He saved my life in more ways than one. Anyway he is going over to Ireland to perform a marriage ceremony for a good friend. In an email he sent today he said he had to do a funeral tomorrow morning before he boarded the plane. Then went on to write the following - One of the recently retired priests here told me recently that some time ago when he went to the MCG and saw all the people in the crowd, he said to himself, "Oh no, they all have to be buried." I laughed out loud, but on the other hand those poor fellas must be feeling the strain of the ratios. They really do burn their lives out like the candles on the alter.

Pic from 1997

Dreaming

Nephew Hamish gave me great advise last night on the phone. Poor little man has had bad Diarrhoea and been off school for a week. I asked him how he was and he said "Ness, I want you to know something" I said "Whats that darling" He said "Well if you are asleep and start dreaming about going to the toilet - WAKE UP"

This is the boy who asked me when he was 5 what a condom was. He didnt let up so eventually I said "Its a plastic thing blokes put on their penis to stop them from having babies" well that stunned him for about 2 minutes. He then asked me "Why cant they just wear their boxes (shorts)?" me trying to stifle the laugher said "You need to ask Mummy that one"....

The House Is Now A Home

Will, Doris, Mary, Sandy, Ruth, Julie, Beth, Judy, Brenda and Theresa said prayers for the blessing of my home. I cooked all day yesterday and made the place all beautiful. We had party poppers and balloons. It was fun. I'm totally exhausted. But now the house can be called a home. Theresa Angert Quilter rocks. All the others think shes awesome. The rendition of Be Thou My Vision was stirring to say the least. Speaking of stirring Mr Tse, in his usual style came over the balcony instead of the front door and frightened every one, who thought he was a robber. But the scariest thing was when the minister was late I thought I had told every one the wrong date.

I have a few more parties planned for my ATSIC mates, the K-Team, the Canberra Celtic Choir, The Catholic Shielas and the Random Crew. So hopefully you will all get to come and see the difference the blessing has made.

Retirement

Went to the Branch Managers last supper before retirement today. Its the first time Ive ever heard the word Heart mentioned so many times during speeches made by various people, and mostly male. There was even a few quivers in voices.

While Tony was cleaning out his office I cornered him and said "I know I have only been working with you for four weeks.. " he butted in here and said " and you'd like to apologise because you cant make it to my lunch" I said "I'm coming to the lunch, and Ive been talking to people about you leaving and many of them have said they are going to miss you not just as a work mate but a friend as well".... I started walking off and he called me back and said he had heard about how horrible the people in the previous section had been to me and that he has only heard good and positive things about me from my manager and that I have fitted in very well and quickly to the team.


That's why I look forward to work these days.

Pink Camellia

Much excitement in the camp on Sunday morning....... SNOW. I saw this white thick line in the sky and thought "I bet that's snow". So at last I can identify certain changes with the seasons. Is this flower not the most delicate pink you have ever seen? God, you are worth bothering!

Nikon D40

On my way to work today I took this snap with Garys camera he lent me to play with. Its very nice and Ill probably buy an SLR again one day. The most amazing thing about this day is that after about 9 months I am actually looking forward to going to work. I have a certain spring in my step. The boss man is a very good and gentle man. I'm blessed - again.

St Ninians Flowers

Its all been about faith hope and art today.